Just Desserts
by icer01
Summary: Life as a 'hobo' is a constant trial, being on the wrong end of the law, starving to death... Hey, can Maya even cook, anyway? Written for PW Kink Meme, kind of Phoenix/Maya.
1. Chapter 1

_Written for PW Kink Meme. Fairly G-rated, vaguely P/M. 3 chapters!  
_

**Just Desserts**

* * *

"We're going to have to let you go…"

The _Chrysanthemum Inn_, scene of the crime.

How was I to anticipate a customer's sudden demand I play something as obscure as '_Happy Birthday_'? So I made a little mistake, overreaction much?

That was a month ago… Well okay, more like seven months ago. We've been cutting costs since then. Not that there was already much left to cut.

"Your favourite! Spaghetti Bolognese a la tirchio." I present Trucy's early dinner with a flourish.

I still have my other job at the _Borscht Bowl_, but that's only two nights a week. The other nights, no one plays poker, so they use a CD.

"Daddy, this isn't spaghetti. These are _Generic Brand Instant Noodles_."

"Uh, heh heh. Creative cooking!"

Trucy suddenly beams chirpily to some subtle cue totally invisible to me. "Ooh, M.S.G. Flavour, my favourite! Thank you, Daddy!" She slurps away at the spaghetti sauce appreciatively for a few minutes. "Aren't you having any?"

"Nah, I'll eat later at the Borscht Bowl." (_Well, drink actually_…)

She shovels down a last noodle with a satisfied sigh. "Right, I'm done."

"There's ice cream for dessert," I wheedle. "But you have to finish that broccoli."

"But I _hate_ broccoli."

"Then you have to finish HALF that broccoli."

"O_kayyyyy_." She forces it in with a grimace, then holds out her plate sweetly. I sidle into the kitchen before stuffing the rest down. That greenish mush is…. _heavenly_! Strange, I never used to like broccoli before. Guess being a parent makes you more open minded….

"Here's you ice cream." I hope she doesn't mind it's that cheap brand. The better one wasn't on sale this week. But I feel mean skimping on her food. Trucy makes way more per hour than I do. Main problem is, all her magic props cost so much, we don't seem to break even. But it doesn't matter. It's for her career development, and education is important! Think how much worse my life would be now if I hadn't studied that Law degree! …Oh, wait…

Ice cream consumed, Trucy's about to get up and prepare to leave for the Wonder Bar. "That's my star! Are you sure you aren't still hungry? You can have some more ice cream if you need to.."

"No, I'm fine, Daddy." That smile is too knowing. Damn it, what sort of kid refuses extra ice cream? And soon she's out the door.

I'd better leave too. My job at the Borscht Boredom doesn't start for another 3 and a half hours, but I remembered I'd better try and do the shopping. It's sale day at the fruit and vegetable market, and we're out of broccoli and… well, everything else as well. Something's got to be on sale at the supermarket! And I can't be late, if I lose that job as well, it'll be a disaster! It gives me staff discount grape juice, for one thing.

So I'm soon surveying the sweeping aisles of _Super Turnip World_. Last week they had a super sale on cabbages. It was a pretty good deal – they have a huge amount of leaves, and while they taste pretty boring, after a few leaves I felt sick, so then I stopped feeling hungry, and so I didn't mind dinner was over, so I didn't have to spend more money eating anything else! But for some reason they have now reverted back to their usual price. I can't imagine why anyone would ever buy them at that price!

All this week's specials seem to be on designer fruits and vegetables that are criminally expensive even when they're on sale. I suppose I'll just have to get Trucy's nutrient-rich broccoli and leave. …Hey, no, I'm NOT starving myself! I spend exactly the same amount on my food as I do on Trucy's, that's fair! Problem is, it all seems to go on grape juice for some reason. I've been trying to cut down on grape juice, but as the months have passed, I seem to have ended up drinking even more of it instead. And no way am I going to compromise Trucy's food supply because of my dysfunctional little habit! I'm a responsible parent, see?

One last chance. There's a rack at the back of the store, which has bags of old mouldy slime and caterpillars on super special, but occasionally they put out something edible by accident. I greet that sweet old lady I saw here last week too, I think she camps here all day! And that woman… It's like a club! Solidarity for us poor, special-seeking types, can't you feel the love…. Look, here comes a shop worker to the rack now with two fresh bags of… apples! I love apples! They look perfect, not even bruised or rotten! I grasp in salivating ecstasy…  
as I lurch and double over in agony at a walking stick knifing my intestine in deadly accuracy, grit my teeth as I'm slammed in the groin and some little brat dives through my legs, but I refuse to give in and steadfastly lock my fingers around the plastic of the bag with an iron will! Victory!

I feel a sudden warmish moisture seep onto my foot. My eyes take in what I'm toting. I'm not sure what it _is_, but green slimy liquid is still oozing out of an airhole and onto my front. I hastily drop it with a squelch.

The old lady and woman with brat cart their pristine bags of discount perfect apples away, smirking. I have no recourse but to trudge back down the aisles, eyes downcast.

…Man, there's so much stuff here on the ground, under the shelves. And nothing wrong with most of it, shouldn't someone put it back, the bits which haven't been stepped in? There's a…peach! It only has a tiny little bruise! And an apple… And some cherries! And there's a blueberry, all by itself. It's so perfectly round and… and blue! I like blue! It reminds me of…

Oh, surely nobody will mind if I eat that one, miniscule, delicious abandoned blueberry? The only thing I've eaten so far today is some toothpaste! I reach down, but it's started rolling away just ahead from my eager grasp.

I lock my eye radar on my blueberry, in desperate pursuit, but a cruel bristling swipe of some sweep smashes it into a tragic purple stain and hurls it into a corner's putrid, sludge-filled skip, joining the corpse of the apple, the now irretrievably battered peach and all that other now-ex food.

"Fluffy will love these!"

I force my stuck eyes away from the trail of blueberry roadkill to the opposite site of the aisle. The sweeper atrocity hasn't reached here yet, there's a greenish carpet of assorted salad leaves, currently being collected by a small child and his mother.

"Who's Fluffy?" coos a charmed shop worker.

"My wabbit."

All those leaves… I wipe my mouth with a fist as saliva has actually started dribbling out the edge of it. I bet they'd taste amazing once they're lightly steamed with a sauce! And think of the texture, so different to sickly liquid and second-hand slop!

I tear off my own plastic bag and eye the shop assistant questioningly. I take a leaf, but there's no negative reaction.

"Fluffy is white and bwack."

The sweeping shop assistant has arrived. He hovers patiently, plastered with an indulgent face, until the kid's bag is full.

They're watching me, too, but they don't bat an eyelid, their expressions don't waver. Guess it's fine, then.

The kid hauls away his overfull bag. The remaining leaves are immediately scrawled up and unceremoniously dumped into the skip.

But I've already collated my own collection of stray leaves. This should make a delightful meal, lightly seared and consumed whilst still crispy! I choose a choice piece of broccoli for Trucy with care then present and pay for it at checkout.

"Bag check," she demands.

_Uh oh_. I present it in submission. _Poker stance, Wright…_

("These are for Fluffy!" I hear a joyous cry for the adjoining checkout. )

"Care to explain…. THIS?" Her fuming fist holds the leaf garbage bag aloft.

"Oh? That? That was just some old garbage being swept up, hope it's fine to take it…"

"_Stealing_. That looks like the Premium Salad and Premium Asian Greens Mix!"

"But they were _on the floor_. Look, here's the shoe print where someone stepped on one! They were about to be swept into the skip!" My wild gesticulations are crassly ignored.

"You're stealing the shop's property! ..Hey, wait! I remember _you_! You're that same shoplifter from last week!"

"OBJECTION! That wasn't me! It's a case of mistaken identity!"

"Don't you threaten me with threatening gestures! Do you know how much money we lose annually to societal filth like you? Right, this time I'm calling the police!"

"No! It wasn't me last week! I can prove it! With decisive e-evidence…"

"He's crazy," comments the adjacent shop server indiscreetly. My finger wilts. I suddenly feel supremely lonely. _Now, what would Maya do here?_ _Oh, she'd run away, end up in jail anyway and need me to rescue her…_

"WAAAAH! The scary hobo's GLARING at me," sobs the Rabbit Kid. His mother enfolds him (and his leaves) and shoots me daggers of poison. I study my slime-smeared toes.

The police arrive, sirens blaring. They sure make a huge deal of it. Crowds ten deep are staring at me like some kind of primitive entertainment.

The cashier indignantly wafts _Exhibit A_ in the policeman's face. "Shoplifting. Again. He did it last week as well!"

"It wasn't me last week! And I only took some garbage off the floor!"

"Can I have ID," the policeman commands. "_Phoenix__ Wright_. ….Hey. I remember _YOU_."

"See! Serial shoplifter!" The shop assistant smirks.

"No. It was fraud. Or was it treason?"

"It wasn't me shoplifting last time," I maintain with unflinching gaze.

"Well then. I'm afraid the fine for a first shoplifting offense is _only_ $500." The policeman sneers. "I _assume_ you can pay?"

###

W-Well! They won't kick me down _that_ easy! I pull my hat down to my eyes. And he's watching them all in the Eye of the Phoenix! Time to go attack my job with renewed determination!

I'm ending up late for work anyway, because when I thought my feet were taking their habitual path, I somehow ended up standing outside _Greaseway_ instead. That smell being pumped into the surrounding blocks must have confused me.

My heel turns in the correct direction, but my eyes are stuck. Those photos on the signs out the front look so delectable! And there's a new taste recipe with 20% extra trans fats.. FREE! What value!

But I can't get distracted now, I seem to be getting in the way anyway, at least according to the death glare of the woman that just charged out dragging a toddler clutching a _Kiddie Value Meal_. The brat upends his bucket of fries, but they continue on without so much as a backward glance.

Before I know what's happening, I observe myself lunging to the ground and stuffing my face. _What the hell?_ What am I _doing_? Only now do I notice the crowds of people, who are eyeing me oddly, or start choking on the grit and traffic dust the fries fell in.

I wipe stray fry bits off my mouth with my sleeve and guardedly get to my feet. Nobody saw that, right? It d..didn't happen. I'm fine, yes, I reassert myself as I round the corner, to the proper entry this time.

Anyway, I don't need anything but grape juice to survive! Besides, one of Maya's magazines had this article about life extension with something they got out of grapes. The Phoenix is eternal! Just one more bottle and…

Strange, my hand's just grasping air. I'm forced to glance down to the usual place and

EMPTY SPACE.

W...what?

"Another crate of grape juice, please," I call to the bartender. I reach into the usual compartment in my wallet and…

EMPTY SPACE.

Oh. Oh, that's right. I used that money to pay the fine because there wasn't enough in the main part and.. "I'm sorry. You'll have to deduct it from my pay."

"Again? Why don't they just pay you in grape juice?"

(_Oh, ha ha._)

It's okay, I soothe myself. Sure that fine tore a huge dent in the budget, but I had the forethought to stock up on a few emergency items when they were on sale before and store them in the fridge and freezer. Should last a month at least, nothing to worry about! I slam the keys with extra gusto and carefree emphasis!

"Will you play quieter?" the bartender soon demands. "We've had a customer complaint!" He flinches like scratched chalk. "And try not to make so many mistakes!"

(_Yeah yeah_.) "Okay, Sir." (_Zzzzzzzz.)_

###  
I emerge, frazzled, from my three hour post-work couch crash, jolted by some kind of compressed nightmare…ugh, what a terrible day! And to whom can I admit I got done for shoplifting? How demeaning, even Larry would jeer in my face!

Wait, I know who…

"You were convicted for _cleaning up some garbage_? That's _horrible_!" Maya's distraught voice hauls through the phone. "You poor thing! But what am I going to do with you? Next time, STEAL SOMETHING WORTH TAKING! _Agh!_" The phone shakes in my palm as I practically feel her rain of sympathetic tears soak my ear.

"Why didn't you tell me you wanted leaves? I have a whole forest full of 'em!

…That's it! You need to come and stay with me for a while! Right now!"

"Um t-thanks Maya, but that won't be necessary, I kinda have to go to work tomorrow" (_so I don't lose that job as well!)_ "and there's something else I'm supposed to do…" (_though I can't for the life of me remember what it is._)

"Yeah, _I_ know what you're supposed to do! Watch the special movie length _Pink Princess_ episode tomorrow night!"

"Y-yeah." (_That wasn't it!)_ A drafty ripple of unswept dust and part of last week's free newspaper collides with my foot. "Look, Trucy's just got home. I better go." (_Damn it, how am I going to feed her tomorrow?)_

"Okay. Say hi to Trucy for me."

"Daddy, did you remember to pay?'

"Huh?"

"For Magic Camp. It's starting tomorrow evening, remember?"

"Hey, when did I agree to this?"

"You didn't have to. It's a compulsory school activity!"

"_I_ never did anything like that at school!" But it's probably true. Trucy got into this performing arts public school. Yeah, I thought it might help with some of the magic stuff, and it probably does, though she (I mean, _I_) still has to buy her own props and stuff…

…Wait, this is a fortuitous coincidence. While Trucy is on the camp, the camp will feed her, and I don't have to worry about paying for food! "Where's this thing to pay?"

Hang on. The cost per day of camp is.. um, I can't figure it out …but I know it's way more than it ever costs to look after her here!

"I'm sure you can use credit," Trucy beams.

###

**_Late Next Evening_**

Damn it, Trucy's only going to be gone a week. How can that punch such a hole in my mood? Already it's started pouring with rain, like a personal cloud to dump sorrows upon my bedraggled head. The hat has merely sogged like a slug. I dunno whether it'll do worse damage to take it off or leave it. I hope there isn't a t…thunderstorm… that once distant reverberating is descending on me with all too foreboding increases in speed and intensity!

_SLASH!_

It's seared the air diagonally in front of me, none of this 'thunder _and_ lightning' thing, this is instantaneous. The static sky around me has warped into a series of electrified wires.

I stumble in a puddle. Lightning's not going to be fooled by my stalwart tactic, the poker face, so why bother. If you ask me, it just makes _sense_ to be wary of lightning, once this guy I knew, Doug Swallow…

Don't panic. Let's just think l-logically and sensibly about this. 'Don't be the tallest thing because the lightning will hit you.' Right, I'll walk under those nice, tall trees! 'Don't stand under a tree, it will fall on you when the lightning hits it'. Damn, the other side of the street then? 'Don't stand under power lines, you'll get electrocuted'  
_Ah, forget it!_ Almost home, just got to climb up that huge hill. The flashing splits and tears the sky with a smash, I cower instinctively… no, it's fine, it hit up on top of that hill. Wait. I _LIVE_ on top of that hill!

'Don't stand on the top of the hill, the lightning will hit the highest point.'  
Did I mention I also live on the top floor?

###

I stand and drip relief behind the slammed door. The outside has turned into an electrified cage around my shoddy apartment, but there's walls between me and the storm surge now. The constant crashing jars me (this storm cloud has clearly decided to dump its lightning directly above) but really, what's the worst that could happen?

I turn my back on the window, wring out and respike my hair with audacity.  
'It was a dark and stormy night'. Ha! Ha! Ha! I can't be beaten by anything so cliché! I'll just ignore it and do something productive. I'll cook myself some instant noodles, take a hot shower then work on my poker strategies.

Just as I've charged decisively into the kitchen, I feel though fail to hear a strange noise suddenly strangled from my throat. An explosion has engulfed the ceiling, the world subsumed by a hellish burst of light. Everything blinks along with me….then goes dark.

_It's okay, Phoenix, _I soothe myself, though I can barely hear myself think,_ there are no dead bodies here, not even mine! _And after some heart-pounding minutes the storm hurtles away as rapidly as it descended, but the ensuing calm does not bring with it the return of light.

I get back to my feet, and throw a few switches to confirm the obvious.

I examine the instant noodle packet with my fingers, it being too dark to use my eyes. Can't boil water… I try crunching into a cold instant noodle but instantly vomit it out, those things are apparently inedible unprepared no matter how hungry I am. I move down the list.

Hot shower. Oh, that sounds good right about now, the chronic sogginess has made me cold.

I feel my way to the bathroom and turn on the streams of water, waiting patiently for the hot water to come on.

But it never comes. Oh yeah, water's heated by electricity, isn't it.

Who knows when the power will be on, could be hours, the entire district's out, judging by the desolation out the window.

There's nothing to do, too dark to see anything. I may as well just go to bed. I trudge into my little hovel of a room and fling myself limply onto the bed, letting my wet shoes slide languidly off. _Damn this bed is cold!_ I'll just shut the window. And then it slugs me with its full, soggy force. _I forgot to shut the window_. A tsunami of storm spray obviously torrented into the place, my bed is soaked, I can vaguely see a pool of muddiness on the floor just discernible through cover of night…

Oh, this is _too much_. My mouth instantly pools for my crutch of sorts in a kind of Pavlovian response, I stagger off to my poor, silent fridge…

MY GRAPE JUICE!

In the electrocution, the glass bottles have melted! Or something. Whatever it is, the grape juice is ruined! And all the food in the fridge has already gone soggy and rotted with dead condensation. Who knew it could happen so quick?

No, things can't get any worse. I'll just go and sleep away the bad feelings, at least there should be light when I wake again. I salvage a few towels and hope I'll drop off before they soak through.

My reddened scratchy eyes emerge to the hideous, dripping dawn. Still no electricity. The street lights seem to be back on, a little investigation out the window reveals some neighbouring buildings seem to have power again. But here, dead. Maybe I should look at the electricity controls for the building, I admit I'm clueless, but maybe there's a button you press, _Power On_? Some of the other tenants have had the same idea. But it's hopeless, the entire fuse box blew up or something when the lightning hit our building. An electrician is coming, eventually. Too late for my fridge though. And my _grape juice_. And sleeping in that wet bed ruined my hair, can things get any worse? My pocket's jarred by the dulcet tones of my phone, good thing that uses batteries…

"Hi, Nick! How are you?"

"Bad."

"Oh. Um.. hey, did you watch _Pink Princess_ last night like you promised you would?"

"No. There was a blackout. And the fridge is ruined. And the place is soaked. And I'm all wet," I whine.

"Nick!" Maya sounds genuinely distressed. "Are you okay? Do I need to come over?"

Great, I've made her worry. "I'm fine, I'm fine…."

"But you said things were 'bad'! How's Trucy holding up?"

"Trucy went away on Magic Camp," I explain. _Don't feel abandoned… Don't feel abandoned…_

"You're all alone with nobody to look after you? Oh _no_!" Maya exclaims. "That's it. You're coming over here _RIGHT NOW_."

_And what do I have to look forward to if I don't? Mopping the floor and feeling sorry for myself?_ "Great! Can I come _right_ now?"

"Yes! Of course! Oh, I'm so excited!" enthuses Maya with genuine happiness. Oh, it's nice to be appreciated! I just hope she doesn't anticipate me bringing burgers or something…


	2. Chapter 2

**DAY 1:**

"Nick! You're _finally_ here!"

I stumble in delirium, flattened by Maya's arms in a magnitude inconsistent with her small stature. "And I got you a present," she announces when we finally manage to disentangle ourselves. Her eyes shine with such anticipation, and my heart leaps with it too, or at least it _did_ until she dumps that huge pile of leaves in front of me. "See, just what you wanted!"

"Um…" Her eyes compel me, that maddening sincerity. No, this isn't some practical joke, this is clearly a heartfelt gift. "Thanks," I manage.

"Aren't you going to try eating one?" Her unabashed eager hovers toward me and stabs at somewhere in my chest.

So I reach for one and take an experimental nibble.

"It's so…bitter," I attempt tactfully.

"Yeah, I don't know, I think they're disgusting, but these people from the city come and buy them and sell them dried as some designer healthfood, can you believe it? Ewwww."

"But I didn't know _you_ were into that stuff, Nick," she continues with puzzlement. "And haven't you lost enough weight already?"

"I'M NOT INTO IT!" I protest.

"Then why were you so desperate to have those leaves?"

"I…I'm just, um.." How do I explain without sounding like a loser? "I thought I'd, er….. I'M HUNGRY!" I whine.

"You're _hungry_? NICK!" Maya's eyes fill with TEARS of genuine compassion. "You're _starving to death_?" She's actually sobbing now. A strange lump forms in my throat.

"Oh, it's not so bad…" I defend lamely.

"Don't worry," she vows, fist scattering leaves in emphatic fervour, my feeble protest ignored. "I'LL SAVE YOU!"

Her eyes have flared with that fire of determination. I couldn't object if I tried, and I'm rapidly being dragged toward Fey Manor's food storeroom.

"I wish you'd warned me, I would have got more stuff sent in," she's babbling. "Well, I'll get an emergency shipment tomorrow. How about steak? Maybe if you eat an entire cow you'll bulk up a little." Her eyes light up. "You don't have to say a thing, Nick. I know it's not your fault you're living in abject poverty!"

She drags me on, but soon I don't have to be dragged. My feet and my nose compel me toward the kitchen, an imposing and archaic installment from back in the days when they'd cook for a whole castle, but right now I'm oblivious to both history and architecture.

"Mmm, what's cooking? It smells… delectable."

"Huh?" Maya is bemused. "Oh. Ewwwwww. It's just boring vegetables. THESE things," she gestures to a huge, white carrotlike object. "A 'daikon'. It's kind of, well, BORING, and when you cook it it tastes like nothing, but you can mush it up and absorb flavours and stuff. Only tolerable for a spiritual fast or something. Pearly still eats them though. But YOU! You can do much better! Oh, you must really be starving," she laments. "How'd I let things get this bad?"

"Oh, I wish I'd known," she continues as she paces the kitchen and adjacent food storeroom. "Better food is coming tomorrow! But in the meantime, I _won't let you starve_!"

She charges back and forth, hauling in armfuls of what I assume must pass as traditional Kurain food, though I myself would've never known that stuff was edible.

"Wash this, will you?" she directs, dumping this wet THING into my arms, splattering my head with sludge.

"Wash? It's already wet… wait. Isn't this that…. That _flower_ from the pond out there?" (_I hate flowers!_)

"A LOTUS. Yes, you can eat the roots and seeds. Make sure you get ALL the mud out will you?"

And what's _that_? A weed?"

"A _burdock_."

Definitely a weed, geez, I hope it doesn't have 'burrs'. Still, people eat dandelion leaves and stuff, so I guess it's safe?

Now she pours out a sack of tapering roundish beige er, objects (I think they're maybe sweet potatoes?) She snaps one open and exclaims in satisfaction. _I_ lurch back in terror.

"Are you sure that garish purple colour isn't _*cringe*_ _poisonous_?"

"Nick, would _I_ ever poison you?"

_Not on purpose, but…_

"And isn't it a _*cringe*_ VEGETABLE?" (_I hate vegetables!_)

"You won't remember it's a vegetable, once I coat it in chocolate."

Oh. _Ohhhhhh_.

I suddenly realize I should relax and stop being so ungrateful. I recently mastered eating the CABBAGE after all. Nothing Maya serves could ever be worse than that! Besides, her eyes light up with such sincere delirium as she explains she'll save me from a torturous death by starvation. And whatever she's doing to that stuff – well it already smells fantastic! (Especially the chocolate.)

###

"Entrée!" announces Maya.

My head snaps up eagerly from Fey Manor's prehistoric hewn table. "W..what the heck is _that_?"

"The Mountain Yam. When grated, it produces a whitish slime! Eat up!"

"Oh." I gingerly pick up a piece with my chopstick. It promptly slips and slimes onto my lap.

"Ahhh.." sighs Maya happily, grabbing a fistful.

_When in Rome…_

I tentatively take a sliver in my finger and delicately nibble…  
…epicureal delirium! A slippery yet dense and mildly gritty texture, a sublime springiness of bite and… oh, forget the 'fries moment'! I frenetically grab a fistful and start stuffing my face in similar manner to Maya. Food! Starvation averted! More!

Maya is leaning over the table toward me so excitedly, eyes beaming ecstatically. "Nick! I'm so happy to see you enjoying food properly!"

"Yeah!" _*gulp* *slobber*_

Slime on my hair, slime on my face, slime on my nose, slime on my fingers, slime down my arm… Maya is coated in similar manner. _No, Phoenix, no!_

I feel a slight gurgle and an unfamiliar yet comforting warm descending into my overlong-empty stomach. I was hungry so long I'd somehow accepted it as normality!

"Time for the next course!' declares Maya, snatching away the old plates, my lapping tongue suddenly hitting the splintery table. My distress is only momentary as my warmed stomach lurches in thrill. This smells great!

"Fried Lotus Root and Burdock root with Lotus Nut Paste! Oh, I hope I added enough sugar," describes Maya.

Ah… crispy…. Sweet… A pleasant and invigorating texture. Apart from those weird strings of lotus-ness, only a minor distraction. The crunch of the lotus and the stringed meatiness of the burdock provide an impeccable contrast! _*crunch* *slobber*_

Maya's gazing at me dreamily. I shrink in momentary embarrassment, maybe I should wipe my mouth and stop spilling lotus starch everywhere, but no, for some reason Maya seems enthralled at my gluttony. (And I'm fast hurtling into a sugar rush.)

"Next course," announces Maya, as I lick my plate, and her plate as her eyes are turned. "Chocolate Okinawan Sweet Potato with Chocolate."

At once fluffy and substantial, dense yet moderated… I'm flailing for words to adequately describe the impact! A cloud of purple taste excession. Who'd have thought, the ultimate combination? Strangely luxuriant… "More, please!" I beg.

"Oh I'm sorry, Nick, that's the end," sighs Maya apologetically. "Was it okay?"

"G-great!" I enthuse, in tragic understatement. "We gotta do this again sometime!"

"Oh we will," assures Maya, eyes sparking anticipatorily. "Tomorrow!"

_Man, I think I've hit the jackpot._

Incoming food coma…ugh…my stomach, why it's…distended…

"Mystic Maya, Mystic Maya! I went to feed the fish at the pond and…_Oh_!" exclaims Pearl, observing the half chewed pink petals wreathing the flagstones around Maya. "You ate the pond centerpiece."

"_NICK_ ate the pond centerpiece," corrects Maya. "Oh, Pearly, he was going to _starve to death_!"

'I see. Oh, that's so _romantic_," simpers Pearl approvingly.

_Romantic? But I hate flowers_

I stagger out and sink down on my futon whilst Maya cuddles up companionably next to me (thankfully not on my bloated stomach.) "I'm sorry it was so boring," she's apologising. "But tomorrow, we'll have BETTER FOOD."

"Can't… wait.." I manage to mutter. The digestive process is.. novel…pleasantly soporiphic…

###

**DAY 2:**

I'm rudely awoken by a …truck engine? grinding through the usual peace of tranquil dawn Kurain. Maya's supertanker of emergency food has apparently arrived!

Some of the little pre-acolytes and senile mediums have rushed out to line up and watch the spectacle, man, Kurain must be boring…

I crawl back to bed. Best not to get underfoot without request when Maya and food are involved. Besides, she's _guaranteed_ to wake me if she needs me…

###

"Well, here's a knife, Nick. Dig in!"

When Maya said yesterday she'd make me eat 'a whole cow' I didn't think she was serious. But there it is, roasting on a spit!

"I d-don't have to eat the head, do I?"

Maya _hmm_s for a moment. "I guess not. Or the feet. But all that lovely 'meat' – hurry up and take some!"

With difficulty, I hack off a large, charred, chunk.

"Mmm, smoke flavour," salivates Maya.

"Can I maybe have a fork?"

"Fork?" Her voice is bemusement.

I grasp the steak with both hands, and tear into it with my teeth. Maya clasps her hands in excited anticipation. "Is it good? Is it helping you build back muscle?"

"T..tasty!" I admit, spitting out a little stray charcoal.

"Great! There's 99 more where that came from! Eat up!"

###

I don't feel so good… And it's just chew, chew chew…my jaw hurts! But looking at the cow… there's barely a dent in it! There's almost as much meat as before. But no, I won't give into this negativity! I can't be beaten by a ... by a COW! Still, there's this bad acid pooling in my mouth, and there's a sudden shift in my internals and a wave of something hideous seeps over me. I'll try to keep going, though.

Once Maya went to a burger eating contest, though even she didn't win. Now, what techniques did the freak who _did_ use to stay in the game?  
Damn, I can't remember! I was too busy consoling Maya and Pearls after Maya lost by throwing up…

Urgh.

I can't think of that!

Swallow.. deep breaths… keep it down… KEEP IT DOWN!

Maya's frantic eyes butt into my face.

"Nick! Oh no! You can't wimp out now, you're stronger than that! How about a stomach massage? A meditation? A spiritual energy spell?"

"Urp."

"And I'll help you finish the cow! We can do it – together! Right?"

"Ur…"

Somehow my legs have fallen out from under me.

###

Oh man.. I'm prone under an ocean of bloat. All that chewing's gotta be some kind of hallucinogenic delusion in my overfilled nightmare.. isn't it? Oh, concentrate on something else, the haze taking me away! And finally the respite must have done something, because I'm thinking I might manage to move open an eyelid without instant death.

_…Aghh!_ I choke back the spewing disaster yelling aloud would be just in time. But it's a macabre skeletal scene straight from Hell Graveyard.

"It's almost finished, Nick! I saved you the last steak so you could cross the finish line! One more steak!"

I'm staring straight into the eyes… uh… EMPTY EYE HOLES of the eerily bare cow skull. (Did she _really_ eat the head?)

I moan my agony.

Maya drops to my side in alarm. "Oh, I almost forgot! Is it time for that stomach massage?"

I moan my response.

Caring fingers are suddenly flying upon me. "You'll feel better soon, Nick!" she soothes with sincerity. "Feel it digesting!"

I can't _help_ but feel and concentrate on that awkwardly unfamiliar feel of stuff slowly clogging through my intestine.

But it does seem to slowly ease it down. And suddenly I don't feel I'll erupt any more.

"You've gone all quiet," comments Maya. "Is it time to eat?" Or, have you gotten worse?"

Her voice ends all upset. It's near the last thing I feel like, but I can't bear the sad eyes, so I cede "Okay, I'll try to finish some now."

Maya beams relief, brandishing the steak. It's hard to raise my beached self, but seems I won't be required to.

"Open wide…"

"You're going to stuff the whole thing in at once?"

"Okay, I'll cut it up."

_Oh, *now* she produces cutlery?_  
…no, with her teeth.

She holds the ripped chunk between them saucily.  
"How about Tug Of War?"

"No."

She forlornly pulls it out and posts it into my mouth. I chew obediently, methodically and thoughtfully, then force a swallow. Maya's already hovering to deposit the next piece. Chew and swallow, chew and swallow, just concentrate on chewing and don't think about…

"You've gone a funny colour. Here, I'll help."

Her hands are suddenly all over me again. I'm probably about to be given esophageal massage techniques. And I have a food coach. "You can _do it_! Just a few more pieces! Keep chewing! Just a bit more!" (Which I'm encouragingly hand-fed.) I close my eyes. _Don't think about how you feel._ "And just one more! Come on, you're doing _so_ great!" Oh, the chewing chore.. I couldn't take it any more except I can feel Maya's clutching of warm support. I focus on that.

"It's all gone!"

Good thing her excitement can do for both of us, because I can't muster any.  
###

**DAY 3:**

I glance up at the entering Maya as I recline in the indoor hot spring – Fey Manor is the height of 13th century luxury. I felt absolutely fine after I'd thrown up the 3rd time, and the fact my stomach was empty just meant I was good to go for even more awesome cooking today! But Maya got really worried and declared today would be dedicated to my 'recuperation'. I said I hoped that meant she'd wait on me hand and foot and she seemed to take it literally rather than as I intended but I'm hardly complaining!

Previously she rafted me an impressive fruit platter for the sick and luxuriant. A pristine, oversize Nashi pear. A persimmon of gelatinous sweetness. There's an apple! And a peach! And some cherries!

"Aww, you look _so_ comfortable in there!" I watch, captivated. Maya digs into the bowl of what she's holding with a chomp.

"Man, Nick, you're eying them like a predator! I never knew you liked blueberries so much! Oh well then – catch!"

I open my mouth as the berry's hurled toward it. The snap! of… ecstasy as the skin's blue contents spill into my mouth!

"Yay! Catch!" Is she really going to do it with all 300 of them? A strange and wonderful game… "Goal! Yay! Catch!" But this _is_ relaxing. I don't have to do anything except stick my head out of water and chew! And the water conveniently and instantly washes away the mess! As for the blue sweet grittiness… she can't stuff them in my mouth fast enough!

"Ah! You're like a seal!" exclaims Maya adoringly. I'm briefly miffed but her face seems to say this is a good thing. "All gone," she eventually announces. "Aww, don't make that sad face. How's the pear? I think I'll try some."

SPLAT! The tidal wave washing the platter announces she's joined me, as does the pear's rapid reduction to teethmarks.

There's a subterranean waterlogged chime. "That yours, Nick?" We fish around for awhile and finally dredge up my phone. "Hello?"

"Hi Daddy!"

"Oh hello sweetie. Are you enjoying camp?"

"Yes. But there was a problem with your credit card. They said the payment didn't go through or something… But it's fine. I gave a big show about being a poor, starving orphan and the camp place let me stay for free! Isn't that great?'

"Uh… yes. That's my girl!" (_What the heck is up with the card?_)

"I hope you're managing to take care of yourself without me there to look after you,"

"Oh yes. Of course!" (_Hey!...)_

"How 'bout some apple?" suggests Maya. "Say 'Ahhh'…"

"Uh?"

"Well, your arms might get cold! Just when you're supposed to be recuperating! And you said wait on you hand and foot!"

"Not foot and mou…" _CRUNCH!_ My choking teeth smush the foreign object up eagerly. The tangy juiciness! The crispy crunch of perfect skin and flawless flesh!

"Ooh, I knew you liked apples!"

"Where are you, Daddy?" demands Trucy sweetly.

"Oh!" (Oops, she's still there!) "Um… at.."

"Have fun! I'll be home on Friday!"

"Right." I hastily dump down the phone.

**DAY 4:**

I'm waiting. Waiting for Maya. In the dining room, obviously. It's almost lunchtime, and hope springs eternal. But it's Pearls who's showed up, thus far.

"So, what did you think of Mystic Maya's cooking?"

"It was AMAZING! The best things I've tasted in ages!" I find my arms gesturing dramatically. "The impeccable combinations of flavours! And.."

My eyes flit from my dissertation to Pearl's quiet giggle. "What?

"Oh that's good, Mr Nick." She laughs. "It must be true love."

"Huh?"

"I'm glad you liked it. Mystic Maya's cooking is a bit too.. creative for me."

"Nick! Nick! There you are!" Maya stumbles in obliviously. "Isn't it almost lunchtime? And guess what. Remember the Fey family specialty, the Jaw Droppingly Large Strawberry Dessert? Well, I invented a new recipe just for you! The Jaw Droppingly Larger Strawberry Dessert!"

A new recipe for _me_? I find myself beaming indulgently back at her and leap up, touched.

"Let's go make it right now!"


	3. Chapter 3

###

"I already started," explains Maya. Her head directs me to a dumpster-worth of strawberries rivalling the ceiling for height, and a container of assorted substance I thought was reserved for industrial applications. "_You_ crush the strawberries with this masher and deliver the bowlfuls to me and _I'll _finish cutting and mixing the other ingredients."

"Masher? I thought that was some kind of ancient Samurai torture device on display…"

"We gotta dual purpose stuff since the Fall of Kurain. It works great! Do you need to be shown how?"

"N..no. I think I can figure it out myself." If I just direct it toward the strawberries, and away from ME, it'll be fine, right?

I soothe myself it was designed _not_ to kill the Samurai, and fall methodically into strawberry execution. It's actually quite soothing, as is relaying the giant stone bowls of the stuff, because that white mud-dust is slowly tingeing red.

But then I'm steadily more distracted by a gathering swipe of metals. THAT isn't soothing.

I turn.

"Hey, hey, watch this, Nick! SAMURAI SUSHI SLICE!"

"AGGGHH! W-Watch where you throw that knife!" _Oh good, I *didn't* wet myself._

"Aww, Nick, don't be a baby. I'm a professional, remember?"

_No._

"PINK PRINCESS…. DECAPITATION THROW!"

I wince into a corner. The harsh bruising wall hits me with inspiration.

"Hey Maya – hey, how about I finish mixing that while you pre-heat the oven?"

"Oh, thanks Nick! I thought _you'd_ want to do that part, it's so fun. Aren't you a lovely guy?"

_I don't get it._

I carefully chop the remaining ingredients, then delicately swirl the vat of puffy mixture. It smells utterly fabulous, I guess there's method to her madness. ...Um, some of it. I can sense Maya consumed with some activity behind my turned back. Man, she's taking a long time just to turn on an oven…

I turn my head… and retract in horror. That kinda pit thing I thought was for bonfires back in 1300 is roaring to life in a fatal accident scene dwarfing little Maya.

I somehow suppress a scream and my snatch-reflex. Maya's flushed face is aglow in utter rapture.

"I t-think the mixture is ready," I croak, trying to steady myself. "Should I put it," my eyes flounder for likely appliances, "in here?"

"_Ni-ick_! That's a burger maker! Geez, have you really not learned to cook?"

_She has a state of the art electronic burger appliance, AND still uses a wood fired stove?_

"Isn't it exciting," Maya prods pyromaniacally, "to burn stuff!"

"H-hey, I bet you could make an even better strawberry dessert by using the burger maker," I suggest.

Maya's excitement leaps from the flames onto me. "That's the best idea you've ever had!"

_Guess I just have to work harder on not expressing that irony-sarcasm thing._

"But isn't something called 'Jaw Droppingly Large' a lot larger than a burger," I rebut.

"Of course, wise guy! That's why we'll make thousands and stick them all together!"

Pearls beatifically pops her head in. "Are you having fun, Mr Nick?" Oh, don't tell me she's spying on us!

"Pearly!" Maya's eyes seize her. "Do you want to help? Nick's more cooking-disabled than I thought."

"N-no thank you, Mystic Maya," Pearls dismisses prudently. "I am not hungry." She retreats.

To my relief, Maya's attention is now consumed with the burger machine, ramming in the mixture with fascinated eyes. It really does seem to work, sizzling into red burger sized clumps with a fake grill pattern. There's not much to do except routinely pass her the mixture, so we fall into conversation.

"Man," I observe, "you must be smart to have figured out how to do anything with all the archaic equipment here. It took me forever just to learn how to make toast!"

Maya starts laughing uproariously. "Nick, you're so funny! What a great joke! I didn't know you had it in you!"

"B…but..."

"Hey, I was thinking. What do you think about the Nashi pear?"

"Oh." I mentally drool from yesterday's memory. "Which one?"

"Yeah, that's an important topic," agrees Maya. "There's green and brown ones. Which is better?"

"Oh, that's tough," I muse. "The brown one's sweeter, sure, but the tart crispiness and the aesthetic of the green one, well.."

"I agree!" enthuses Maya. "Nick, you're turning into such an _interesting_ guy! …Any more?"

"That's the lot." I observe the pile.

Maya clasps her red-smeared hands. "Now we'll glue it together with icing and singe it dry." She immediately sets to work. "Hold this part together will you?"

"Hey, what the hell are you doing? That's a strange sha.."

My eyes don't deceive me. It's a giant, misshapen 'N'.

Why, what could this be? She's spelling my name, um, nick-name, in burger shaped strawberry desserts?

Maya concocts a stack of 'I'. "I said I invented it just for you!"

"Thank you." I steady a stack of precursor-to-C doom. By the time she's rammed a giant 'K' in place, my eyes are misting up for some reason..  
..H-hey! I swear. It's only the SMOKE that's doing it, that's it!

Maya gives a strangled yelp and starts dragging me by my hoodie. "IT'S OUT OF CONTROL!"

'W..what..."

"FIRE!"

_FIRE!_

That forgotten hellfire's outbroken its unbounding cage! Maya's hauled my scalded toes from the blazing floorspace just in time.

"The pond!" hisses Maya.

I don't need to be told. We drain the contents of the pond into a receptacle evidently for this purpose, haul it doggedly to the disaster and hurl. A _hiss_ of the floor charring out into black silence and my relief.

Maya, eyes trapped in delayed shock, absently pulls a barbequed fish from the wreckage, takes an experimental nibble, then ditches it with a grimace.

Her face freaks out again. "OUR _DESSERT_!"

The evil beast, still alive, has leapt out and seized her masterpiece in Hadean claws. In fury, my body charges forward and snatches it from the jaws of Hell.

"You SAVED it!" Tears fill her eyes.

"Just a little 'crispy'" (_burned_) "around the edges!"

I hold it out to her.

"You're _alive_! I was so worried!" Maya looks like she'll hug it.

But I'm still not feeling so good about the destitution I've helped create.

"Oh man, Maya, I'm sorry. Look how messed up the kitchen is. Half the floor's all gone to charcoal...And that wall there, all charred up and covered in soot.."

"Oh, naww, Nick, it's not that bad. _That_ wall was from last week, don't worry."

"Last wee…" I didn't need that kind of information.

"You didn't get… get HURT, did you?" _That pulsing in my brain… got to be so loud even she can hear it, dammit!_

"Huh? Oh, I just got _this_ little tiny burn here, nothing much.."

Consciousness… outgoing…

"H- Hey, Maya, how'd you like to come and stay at my place for a while? You really need a break after you've been so nice waiting on me here. I can cook you some _nice_ instant noodles in my ultra safe electric jug."

"That one which had an electrical fault and blew up the fuse box last time I came?"

"Oh. I _think_ they still work with tap water too…"

"Or we can go for burgers."

"That sounds like a good idea."

###

I'm kinda confused when the door to my apartment seems to be unlocked.

I wouldn't really have forgotten, no way? Luckily, it looks to Maya like I'm incompetently messing with the keys. She's far off anyway, chatting about something not at all mundane or Earth-ly. (This is often advantageous.)

"Oh man, don't you ever clean up?" (_Damn, back from the aliens_.) "And you forgot to shut the window!"

"Oh. Oh, that.."

"Don't worry, I'll teach you the old Fey Clan technique of speed cle.. Nick, _why_ is the fridge open?"

"Um, you see…"

"Oh, _cute_! You got Trucy a pet? Is it a magic pigeon? What's her name? Can she do tricks? She doesn't seem to be housetrained yet, tell Trucy to work on that."

"Huh? We're not allowed pets in this apar… Oh god." _It flew in the window._

"And she has a nest on your BED! You're so cute, Nick, taking in poor starving homeless pregnant animals…. But that doesn't get you out of answering my question. WHY IS THE FRIDGE DOOR OPEN?"

She's already levitating toward the kitchen (which in this size apartment takes all of one second.) I can only follow, failing to be able to step around the white decorations on my carpet.

"Because the fridge wasn't worki…" A hideous stream of air knocks my head flat.

All that dead food has _not_ neatly decomposed. It's instead inflated into a pyramid of mould and hideousity.

"Wot's dat thay," chokes Maya, "Em-Poun-ded?"

"Oh by gob…" A yellowish tape chokes the festering fridge corpse. _Violation of Health and By Laws Act, Strata Title, 2021_

There's a rap at the door. My hand goes and opens it. A fat beefy guy in a muck-brown uniform charges in officially.

"You live here?" He snarls officiously. "This site has been investigated from a lodged complaint under the _Health Act _(_Strata Title) 2013_. The findings mean it will be quarantined by law 'until acceptable restitution is achieved'."

"Huh?"

"In plain English?" His condescending smirk observes my cheap fashion outfit and dope-smoke eyes. "This place is a filthy, illegal health risk, and you live like a dirty, stinking hobo."

_Damn it._ I'm hit below the belt, flailing for appropriate legal strategy. But Maya's already on fire with the pointer finger thing.

"I _object_. Nick is a VERY clean individual!"

"Y..yeah!" I give my best grin, cut short by being yanked out the side door.

Maya wrenches off my hat. "GAH! You're still covered in SOOT! How can you NOT have showered yesterday?

"I dunno. I guess I forgot. I was so excited I was inviting you home.."

"And how long have you been wearing those same clothes anyway?"

"About 5 years."

"WHAAAAAA…"

_Speak for yourself?_

My thought drowns as a bucket of water upends on me.

"HEYYY! You ruined my HAIR!"

"And the hat didn't?"

A rebuttal snaps in my tongue. But she's darted inside. I follow, trying not to drip too obviously.

"Nick is a _model_ citizen," Maya is explaining politely. "He would _never_ leave things in this state. Obviously his house was robbed while he was away. Nick is an innocent victim of a heinous crime."

"Maya," I hiss discreetly, "that won't stand in court! Do your fingerprints change when you channel?"

"No."

_Damn._

"See that open window," Maya is continuing to the captive inspector. "Would anybody _ever_ leave the window open if they went away for a week? No! So some loser criminal broke into poor innocent Nick's house and trashed it!"

"I'm sorry, Madam," the inspector sneers, "but that is a matter for the police. It's separate from our department's inspections and designations. You'd have to retract it separately with a request by the police to our department. You! Mr Phoenix Wright! You are the tenant of this apartment, yes? There will be a $1000 fine, and further impoundments and ordinances of your property until restitution is achieved." He slams the form at my face. "Sign here. 'Please'."

"OBJECTION! You ca…" _Dammit, I was a criminal lawyer. I can't remember this stuff off the top of my head!_ My hand shakes and the pen collapses to the floor. "Oh oops. So.."

"Oh My _GO_..''

###

Urgh. Things are murky. Scattered.. no. That pressure round my hand is real. I open my eyes into Maya's authentic ones. "D…did I have a bad dream?"

"I don't know, Nick. What happened? When I found you you were just kinda taking a nap on the floor."

"W-well, this health inspector was here, and you told him I was robbed, and he wouldn't quit prosecuting me so then y-you channeled this c-c-c…"

"You told me to 'change my fingerprints'! Anyway, looks like the ghost scared him away regardless before you had to use your idea. What a wimp!"

I take a choke break. "I …didn't know you could do that."

"Neither did I, but you told me to pull out all the stops!"

"Oh. Um, …thanks. I guess. ….Look, it says on the notice here, '_RESOLVED_'"

"Congratulations, Nick!" I teeter sideways into the embrace. "Another case solved! Let's go for those burgers right now to celebrate, right?"

I splutter. "Maya, are you s..sure…"

"Of course! What's wrong Nick, you aren't getting sick _again_?"

"N..no." I soothe away her pained eyes. _Oh man._

"And don't forget we'll have to pick up Trucy from the station this evening."

"How'd YOU know that?"

* * *

END

* * *

_Oh, Maya channelled the cow ghost they ate earlier. Perhaps I should have said so in words of one syllable. Bad deus ex machina, but that's what I felt like at that moment in time._


End file.
